LASH for Cash

Deadlines for mandatory, sexual harassment prevention training are fast approaching in New York and California. I know this, because I received a mistargeted eblast from my lawyer’s firm, addressed to its corporate clients. The firm wanted to remind them that it has the expertise to turn Harvey Weinstein into Sir Walter Raleigh, for an appropriate fee. Okay, I’m paraphrasing, but there seems to be big money to be made here. That’s why, today, I’m proud to announce the introduction of LASH, Lemkowitz Anti-Sexual Harassment training.

To dramatize why LASH is such a standout product, let’s take a quick look at the history of sexual harassment in the workplace. Remember the Seinfeld episode in which George gets fired for having sex on his desk with the office cleaning lady? When confronted by the boss, George gives him a look of wide-eyed innocence and says, “Oh, is that against company rules? Nobody mentioned that at the orientation.” He hadn’t been properly trained! Similarly, how are construction workers supposed to know it’s wrong to make vulgar noises when women walk by? How are Fortune 500 executives supposed to know it’s unacceptable to barter blow jobs for sales jobs? These poor guys just haven’t been trained! That’s where LASH comes in.

LASH training will save your company both money and time by training all your male employees in a single, 90-second session. That’s right, friends, 90 seconds! With all your male employees gathered in the audience, our certified LASH trainer begins by asking them a number of simple questions.

“How many of you have wives? Anyone who has a wife, please stand. How many of you have girlfriends? Anyone who has a girlfriend, please stand. In fact, if you have a sister or a daughter, please stand as well.” By this time, chances are that everyone in the room will be on his feet. But in case there are any stragglers still in their chairs, the trainer will add, “How many of you have a mother? Anyone who has a mother, please stand.

“Now, gentlemen,” the trainer continues, “this is the part where you really have to pay attention. Any time you’re about to interact with a woman—here in the office, out on the street, or wherever—just ask yourself if what you are about to say or do is something you’d want some other guy to say or do to your wife, girlfriend, sister, daughter, or mother. If the answer is ‘no,’ don’t say or do it. If the answer is, ‘Sure, that’s fine,’ then you’re on solid ground. Easy peasy lemon squeezy, right? Excellent. Training over. Everyone back to work.”

That’s Phase I of our program, and you may be wondering if it does an ounce of good. Our anecdotal data so far suggests that it has exactly the same effect on male employees as programs lasting a year and costing hundreds of thousands of dollars more. In other words, none whatsoever. Because sexual harassment training is just a revenue generator for the cottage industry that’s grown up around it. The real way to stop sexual harassment is with strictly enforced penalties. Penalties so serious that they act as deterrence—loss of pay, loss of vacation time, loss of seniority, loss of job, and referral to the cops whenever a law has been broken. Fortunately, our company is able to assist you in that part of the process as well, with our unique Phase II program. In Phase II, we handle your most incorrigible transgressors through our wholly owned Penalty and Deterrence division, located in Singapore. There, LASH takes on a whole other meaning. Satisfaction guaranteed.