COURAGE
Courage. The pundits all
agree, that’s what’s lacking in our politicians. If only they had the courage
to stand up to the bottle blonde. To the NRA. To climate deniers. The list goes
on and on. But truth be told, courage doesn’t have a damn thing to do with it. Courage
is the ability to face danger or pain or, at least, extreme difficulty without
fear. But what danger do politicians face? What is the worst thing that
could happen to Susan Collins or Ted Cruz? They could lose their next elections.
But that begs a further question: So what? What is it about their jobs
that makes them willing to sell their souls in order to keep them. (Okay, maybe
Ted Cruz is a bad example for the soul metaphor, but you get my point.)
It can’t be the salary,
because many senators and members of the House are
loaded anyway, and those who aren’t have the immediate prospect of making a ton
of money selling their influence on K Street. It can’t be the pension, because
that’s fully vested after just five years, when they “retire” at 80% salary for
life. So why would Ted Cruz watch the bottle blonde
accuse his father of helping assassinate JFK, publicly call his wife ugly, nickname
him “Lyin’ Ted”—yeah, all that actually happened—and still grovel for his
support? What could possibly make his job that attractive?
Take a close look at how
we treat members of congress, keeping in mind, they’re pretty much in charge of
the way they treat themselves. As an example, they built themselves a subway
so they could travel to adjacent buildings more easily. Let me repeat that.
They built themselves a subway. Each Senator has a magnificent, early
American office, plus a somewhat more modest “hideaway” office, where he or she
can hide away from parents of children killed by automatic weapons, constituents
without money, the fake press, and other unpleasantness. When they go out to
dinner in Washington, these people who couldn’t jump the line at the Olive
Garden in Times Square are immediately ushered to the best tables at the most
exclusive restaurants, where lobbyists pick up the tabs. With their private
gyms, basketball courts, pool, sauna, and steam rooms, our Senators and
Congresspeople are, essentially, treated like royalty. This is Louie Gohmert we’re
talking about here.
The corollary to the “they
need more courage” meme is just as hollow. Members of Congress who are often
lauded for their courage turn out not to have any. Ted Kennedy was eulogized as
the “Lion of the Senate.” (The lion actually embodies courage. Remember the
Wizard of Oz?) But Kennedy lacked the courage to pull Mary Jo Kopechne out of
his car when he drove it into a lake, in 1969. Twenty-two years later, he failed
to say a single word in support of Anita Hill when she was being raped in front
of the Senate Judiciary committee, because he was so afraid that someone might
bring up his treatment of Ms. Kopechne. I got a close look at Senator Kennedy, when
I ran into him at a small airport around 1990. He didn’t look like a lion; he
looked like a drunk. His head was the size of a basketball packed in an Amazon
carton.
My conclusion is that
neither courage nor the lack of it has much to do with making Washington revolve
on its axis. Self-interest, narcissism, immorality, yes. Courage, not so much.
So let’s stop talking about it incessantly. The word is getting a bad name. And
God knows, we’re going to need it.
LASH for Cash
Deadlines for mandatory,
sexual harassment prevention training are fast approaching in New York and
California. I know this, because I received a mistargeted eblast from my lawyer’s
firm, addressed to its corporate clients. The firm wanted to remind them that it
has the expertise to turn Harvey Weinstein into Sir Walter Raleigh, for an
appropriate fee. Okay, I’m paraphrasing, but there seems to be big money to be
made here. That’s why, today, I’m proud to announce the introduction of LASH,
Lemkowitz Anti-Sexual Harassment training.
To dramatize why LASH is
such a standout product, let’s take a quick look at the history of sexual
harassment in the workplace. Remember the Seinfeld episode in which George gets
fired for having sex on his desk with the office cleaning lady? When confronted
by the boss, George gives him a look of wide-eyed innocence and says, “Oh, is
that against company rules? Nobody mentioned that at the orientation.” He hadn’t
been properly trained! Similarly, how are construction workers supposed to know
it’s wrong to make vulgar noises when women walk by? How are Fortune 500 executives
supposed to know it’s unacceptable to barter blow jobs for sales jobs? These
poor guys just haven’t been trained! That’s where LASH comes in.
LASH training will save
your company both money and time by training all your male employees in a
single, 90-second session. That’s right, friends, 90 seconds! With all
your male employees gathered in the audience, our certified LASH trainer begins
by asking them a number of simple questions.
“How many of you have
wives? Anyone who has a wife, please stand. How many of you have girlfriends?
Anyone who has a girlfriend, please stand. In fact, if you have a sister or a daughter,
please stand as well.” By this time, chances are that everyone in the room will
be on his feet. But in case there are any stragglers still in their chairs, the
trainer will add, “How many of you have a mother? Anyone who has a mother,
please stand.
“Now, gentlemen,” the
trainer continues, “this is the part where you really have to pay attention. Any
time you’re about to interact with a woman—here in the office, out on the
street, or wherever—just ask yourself if what you are about to say or do is
something you’d want some other guy to say or do to your wife,
girlfriend, sister, daughter, or mother. If the answer is ‘no,’ don’t say or do
it. If the answer is, ‘Sure, that’s fine,’ then you’re on solid ground. Easy
peasy lemon squeezy, right? Excellent. Training over. Everyone back to work.”
That’s Phase I of our
program, and you may be wondering if it does an ounce of good. Our anecdotal
data so far suggests that it has exactly the same effect on male employees as
programs lasting a year and costing hundreds of thousands of dollars more. In
other words, none whatsoever. Because sexual harassment training is just a
revenue generator for the cottage industry that’s grown up around it. The real
way to stop sexual harassment is with strictly enforced penalties. Penalties so
serious that they act as deterrence—loss of pay, loss of vacation time, loss of
seniority, loss of job, and referral to the cops whenever a law has been broken.
Fortunately, our company is able to assist you in that part of the process as
well, with our unique Phase II program. In Phase II, we handle your most
incorrigible transgressors through our wholly owned Penalty and Deterrence division,
located in Singapore. There, LASH takes on a whole other meaning. Satisfaction
guaranteed.
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